You and I are wonderfully made.
You and I are wonderfully made.
I think it’s about time we had a chat because, you see, there’s a few things I need to get off my chest.
You haven’t been treating me well for the past year and a half and I think it’s important for you to know why this is and the effect it’s had in me.
I have been fiercely loyal to us for our entire life. I’ve carried us with our strong legs to places many people dream of. I’ve given us the sharpest of senses to experience this in every possible way. Because of me, we can feel the breeze, smell the ocean and laugh out loud. With our arms we can hug others when they’re sad and with our smile we can express our joy.
It’s a team effort, Mind. I’d be nowhere without your will to take strong strides, compassion to comfort another and appreciations of joy.
But it’s like you’ve only been present half of the time. We haven’t been laughing out loud, skipping, hugging or dancing. There’s been no joy in our behaviour.
And I feel exhausted, battered and a bit broken. You’ve been overworking and under nourishing me. Have I done something to upset you?
Why have you been denying us the love of food? Why have you been forcing us through gruelling exercises with little to no energy provided?
I feel at breaking point. I’m so worried this famine will never end, that I’ve slowed down our metabolism and our heart rate, lowered our blood pressure and decreased our hormone production. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to deal with the cold, I can’t afford to expend precious little energy on warmth. Periods? They’re not vital for survival, you’re not having those back anytime soon. At risk of losing heart muscle, I’ve been forced to take all our fat stores for energy, so you’re bound to be cold and infertile.
Struggling to concentrate? Well, what do you expect? I’m doing my best with the little resources I have to keep us alive, so you’re not going to get all the nourishment you need, just like the rest of us!
But this doesn’t have to go on, Mind. Stop fighting me and embrace me again. We’re a team, remember?!
Give me what we need to feel alive.
Feed and nourish us. Give me a rest. Accept me. I know I’m not perfect, no one is, but you’re stuck with me. So embrace me! Use me! I’ll take you further, we’ll jump higher, we’ll laugh louder.
I promise, you’ll be whole again soon.
Your ever-devoted friend,
Why? What could you unhappy with? Many people would kill to look like you.
Over the past two years I’ve got to a healthy, fit weight. Athletic. I got to a point where I looked in the mirror and actually thought to myself ‘damn I look hot today’.
But then I got sad. In 6 months I dropped a further stone in weight. Why? Because I blamed (blame) myself for the falling apart of the best thing that happened to me. Because my moving to Nottingham changed everything, but it mainly changed me. I’ve never been treated like I was in Nottingham. I’d get in from work and want to hide under the covers until I had to drag myself back to that hellhole again in the morning. I had to get back to normality, to familiar, back to Norwich to get better again. But Dom had moved to me, he’d got it all sorted, we’d be together in Notts, a new start together. But I couldn’t stay and he couldn’t be with Nottingham-me. The me he fell for, who he loved and who I loved disappeared and I don’t blame him for not loving Nottingham-me. No sunshine or spark, just gloomy and gray, anxious.
Bringing it back to the original point.
Reblog if you’re unhappy with your body.
I believe this is missing the point.
I don’t wish to generalize, but I think the body is used as an excuse for the mind. I admit that I am destructive towards my body. I don’t nourish it enough, I work it too hard and I punish it. I feel so guilty and I take it out on myself.
But it isn’t because I’m unhappy with my body. It’s because I’m unhappy with my mind. The body just takes the blows.
My body is a wonderful, strong machine, it’s fucking incredible what I do every day. I see my patient’s bodies failing them and I should be praising a higher power that I don’t believe in for such a blessing. But it’s the mind, right?
Heal the mind and the see the beautiful body.
A lot of people reblogged ‘reblog if you’re unhappy with your body’. I wonder what it really is that’s troubling them, because the body is just taking the blows.
I haven’t written in a very, very long time. For me, writing makes it real. It means admitting your feelings, admitting them as part of you and your psyche, it means revealing them like a wound to the open air. Maybe it’ll get better that way, after all, we’re always told ‘let the air get to it, it’ll heal in no time’ but for most of us we fear infection, we fear pain.
In september I started working in queens medical center as a newly qualified theater practitioner. Having had a rough year with my living circumstances in Norwich, I wanted to start afresh. It’s always the dream for those who run away in hope of greener pastures and fairy tale endings. We fool ourselves into thinking we’re going because we want to better ourselves, but I believe are all we moving (running) away from something first. The new is merely a convenient cover.
Since moving to Nottingham, I’ve found everything to be very, very good. Well, almost everything.
As a full time worker you spend more time in your job than at home. You just have to be happy. In the NHS you have to want to do your job, you have to have passion. It’s scary, going somewhere new when all you know is comfortable and familiar, you’ve got to leap and risk falling. I leapt but I’ve fallen.
Now here comes the tricky part.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so blue as I have been these last few months.
The department I work in have 8 new members of staff, 5 of which are leaving due to the conditions we’re in. Bullying is the culture. I wish I’d realized sooner it wasn’t personal, that all us new staff were being subjected to it, but when you’re new, you don’t want to rock the metaphorical boat, you don’t want to speak up.
As a result I think the department has taken more than my confidence, self worth and esteem. They’ve taken my passion. I feel like a robot, walking around with no real feelings. No, actually, I do feel, I feel resentment, I feel sadness and I’m furious. I’m angry at them for draining the passion out of me. I’m leaving.
I’ve sent up a flare
Please, can you help me?
I’m stuck, I can’t breathe.
‘It’s okay, come on our boat, we have room for you’
I want to, but just wait, first
I have to apologize
For letting you down.
You carried me here,
helped me paddle
And you fixed my leaking holes.
You stopped me from sinking and
I made it safely on land.
‘I’ll be back soon, on this island,
Of ours. We can move our universe here
To our small island. We can do anything
I won’t be long, I promise.’
But paradise turned and the rainy season came,
Black, blue, inside, outside
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know it was always the rainy season
And the sun can’t break through the clouds
To warm my skin.
It’s so cold, so wet
It’s washing away my warmth,
I glow no more.
I have to go, the life boat is here
I see you! You’re here,
You’ve moved your universe,
You’re here to be on this island
My love, I’m sorry.
I’m so, so sorry.
I can’t stay.
The wind and the rain has eroded me
To my bones.
But you must stay.
It looks like the rain is clearing, the wind is seizing
But I’ll be there soon.