I haven’t written in a very, very long time. For me, writing makes it real. It means admitting your feelings, admitting them as part of you and your psyche, it means revealing them like a wound to the open air. Maybe it’ll get better that way, after all, we’re always told ‘let the air get to it, it’ll heal in no time’ but for most of us we fear infection, we fear pain.
In september I started working in queens medical center as a newly qualified theater practitioner. Having had a rough year with my living circumstances in Norwich, I wanted to start afresh. It’s always the dream for those who run away in hope of greener pastures and fairy tale endings. We fool ourselves into thinking we’re going because we want to better ourselves, but I believe are all we moving (running) away from something first. The new is merely a convenient cover.
Since moving to Nottingham, I’ve found everything to be very, very good. Well, almost everything.
As a full time worker you spend more time in your job than at home. You just have to be happy. In the NHS you have to want to do your job, you have to have passion. It’s scary, going somewhere new when all you know is comfortable and familiar, you’ve got to leap and risk falling. I leapt but I’ve fallen.
Now here comes the tricky part.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so blue as I have been these last few months.
The department I work in have 8 new members of staff, 5 of which are leaving due to the conditions we’re in. Bullying is the culture. I wish I’d realized sooner it wasn’t personal, that all us new staff were being subjected to it, but when you’re new, you don’t want to rock the metaphorical boat, you don’t want to speak up.
As a result I think the department has taken more than my confidence, self worth and esteem. They’ve taken my passion. I feel like a robot, walking around with no real feelings. No, actually, I do feel, I feel resentment, I feel sadness and I’m furious. I’m angry at them for draining the passion out of me. I’m leaving.
I’ve sent up a flare
Please, can you help me?
I’m stuck, I can’t breathe.
‘It’s okay, come on our boat, we have room for you’
I want to, but just wait, first
I have to apologize
For letting you down.
You carried me here,
helped me paddle
And you fixed my leaking holes.
You stopped me from sinking and
I made it safely on land.
‘I’ll be back soon, on this island,
Of ours. We can move our universe here
To our small island. We can do anything
I won’t be long, I promise.’
But paradise turned and the rainy season came,
Black, blue, inside, outside
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know it was always the rainy season
And the sun can’t break through the clouds
To warm my skin.
It’s so cold, so wet
It’s washing away my warmth,
I glow no more.
I have to go, the life boat is here
I see you! You’re here,
You’ve moved your universe,
You’re here to be on this island
My love, I’m sorry.
I’m so, so sorry.
I can’t stay.
The wind and the rain has eroded me
To my bones.
But you must stay.
It looks like the rain is clearing, the wind is seizing
But I’ll be there soon.